7 Tips for Improving Your Communications During Divorce and Beyond
George Bernard Shaw once said “The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech” when referring to someone who was dominating a conversation. By definition, a conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue, yet we all know someone who doesn’t put this into practice.
So many of us would like to think we have solid communication skills, though as with any skill, it takes knowledge, awareness, and practice. Certainly, the main premise is that of a give and take of words, but what makes communication meaningful and how do we know we’re coming across as we hope to? As with many things, good communication is both art and science.
When I work with couples in marriage counseling, their ability to communicate with one another is a solid predictor of whether the relationship will last or not. Communication that is authentic, respectful, and empathic is foundational in happy marriages.
Experts have long known that good communication skills are essential to making any relationship work. A recent survey indicates that poor communication skills are a leading cause of divorce in the U.S. The website YourTango.com asked 100 mental health experts to identify factors that commonly lead to divorce. Of those polled, 65% said that communication problems were at the top of the list. A related factor, the inability to work together to resolve conflict, was cited by 43% of those polled as second on the list.
And when we’re referring to the communication between spouses in the throes of divorce, more often than not their ability to speak with one another effectively has deteriorated miserably. When trying to move through an emotional (and often expensive) process such as divorce, the ability to communicate needs, negotiate an equitable settlement, and discuss the future (especially when there are kids involved) requires real skills and patience. Plus, good communication can help to:
Keep the process moving forward and productive
Decrease legal expenses by reducing conflict
Protect the reputations of both spouses
Conserve the energy of both parties and their families
Begin to mend fences as they move toward a co-parenting relationship
These are just a few of the many positive effects good communication skills can have on your life as you transition through the divorce process. When children are involved in a divorce, communication is necessary to deal with the continuing needs of the kids, transportation issues, school related functions, and extracurricular activities. Without working on your communication skills, the time spent dealing with your ex for your kids’ sake may be challenging.
With my Divorce Coach hat on, here are some tips and nuances to help you be more effective in especially stressful conversations:
1) Utilize the pause. When someone stops talking, do you immediately jump in and start speaking? One key to being a great communicator is to pause after a person stops talking. When you pause for a few seconds, you avoid running the risk of interrupting when another person is, perhaps, stopping to simply take a breath. Plus, you’re showing the other person that you’re giving careful consideration to his or her words by not jumping into the conversation as soon as s/he stops talking. In addition, you’ll better comprehend what the other person is saying if you aren’t thinking about what you’re going to say at your next opportunity. The human brain doesn’t allow us to fully hear/comprehend what is being said at the same time as formulating a response. The pause is such an undervalued component of good communication.
2) Pay attention to non-verbal cues. Only 7% of any message is conveyed through words, leaving 93% for elements such as tone, gestures, and facial expressions, so more important is how we say things than what we actually say. The key here is to listen with not only your ears, but your eyes as well, and watch for subtle clues as you’re speaking to one another.
3) Ask your spouse’s opinion. Express interest in hearing what s/he is thinking or how they feel about something. The best way to accomplish this is by asking a thoughtful question and then follow-up questions. When you dig a bit deeper and show genuine interest, you can rebuild trust and rapport.
4) Question for clarification. Never assume you understand what the other person is trying to say. Use phrases such as “What do you mean?” and “Please tell me more” to guide the conversation. The other person will naturally expound on what they were saying. You can follow up with additional open-ended questions and keep the conversation moving along smoothly.
5) Demonstrate that you’re interested. Your spouse needs to know that you’re interested in what they have to say and that you understand them. Affirming that you’re focused on them with the occasional “uh-huh” and head nod are critical bits of positive feedback in helping your partner feel heard.
6) Repeat by paraphrasing. By interjecting phrases such as “Let me see if I’ve got this right” or “What you’re saying is….”, and repeating back what you believe you heard in your own words, you demonstrate that you’re paying close attention and really understanding their thoughts and feelings. People will feel important, heard, and will trust you—effective listening builds trust. Also, this technique builds self-worth because the person speaking will feel more valued and respected. It takes real effort to focus on someone’s words. The more you work at really paying attention and listening well, the more self-disciplined you will become.
7) Be aware of how much you’re talking. Generally speaking, people try to be polite and not interrupt if what you’re saying starts to feel like a monologue, but their body language will speak volumes even if their lips don’t. Once again, listen with both your ears and your eyes.
For some, conversation comes naturally; for others, it takes knowledge and practice. I hope you take advantage of these communication tips, get through your divorce smoothly, and, especially for parents, move on to co-parent with your ex-spouse and set a positive example for your children.
What communication skills and techniques work best for you to keep the lines of communication open and effective? I would love to hear them, so please write to me at deb@newchaptersolutions.com.
Deb Daufeldt, LPC, NCC
